


My Letter To A Winchester

by Squish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Multi, first fanfic, mention of depression, mention of self harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 18:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6162925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squish/pseuds/Squish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You write a letter to either Sam or Dean (you choose), thanking them for helping you through tough times in your life and confessing your love for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Letter To A Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> I purposely left out the name of both Winchester brothers so you can choose which one you want it to be addressed to.

My Dear Winchester,

I look into your eyes and remember everything that has happened over the last couple of months and all the things you had saved me from.  
Usually when someone saves someone else’s life it’s from monsters, accidents, or other forms of extreme danger. But you saved me from myself. You are a true hero because you broke down my wall and stopped me from the path I was travelling down.

Sometimes I’ll be going about a normal activity and catch a glimpse of my hands and arms. I usually like to keep them covered around other people so that they won’t notice, but you always insist on seeing them so you can kiss and caress them. If I see them I’m brought back to the past, the trauma I went through when inflicting those scars upon myself. I can still remember my routine as clear as day; going into my room in the bunker, closing the curtains and turning off the lights so I was in the dark. Then I would find my instrument of torture that I had hidden away from prying eyes and free my emotions in the only way I knew how. Let the dark out just for a short amount of time to give me a chance to catch my breath.

I know you thought I was probably dancing or relaxing due to the music blaring from behind my doorway, but that is because I wanted to keep you out. I wanted to hide my shame, hide the weakness I was acting upon. I wouldn’t feel the sting, only a kiss as it dug into my skin and drew the sweet crimson nectar that would release the emotions stuck deep inside me. I would hate myself for it but fell in love with the release it momentarily gave me; it was the only thing that made me feel alive anymore.

The best thing you ever did for me was walking in on me that night. You were going to ask me if I wanted some food or if I could help with your research, I assume, you never got to that part. You entered without knocking because the music was too loud for me to hear it anyway and what you saw stopped you in your tracks. You saw a broken, disgusting monster wearing my skin. You saw my Pandora’s Box, my inner demons; worse than anything we had hunted. I expected to be thrown aside by you; I wanted you to hate me as much as I hated myself. I wanted you to make me leave, to give me an excuse to take that final step. But I did not expect what you did instead.

You did not freak out, you didn’t shout or cry or give out to me. You quietly sat down beside me; I could barely see you through my tears, my blurry saviour. You took my wrist and brought the wound closer to your face for inspection. I started to recoil, trying to hide from you, not wanting you to pity me or hate me, but you wouldn’t let me. You held me and silently examined the damage I had been doing to myself in the confines of my room. I sat and silently sobbed, waiting for you to say something; anything. I was still waiting for the shouts and screams, the ridicule, to begin. But they never came. 

You never spoke; instead you lifted my wrist to your mouth and kissed it. The smallest of whimpers crept past my lips at that action, but at the sound your eyes snapped up and looked into mine. I didn’t have to say anything, you knew. You wrapped your arms around me and crushed me into your chest. All my breath escaped from me as you kept tightening your grip, almost as if you were trying to draw me inside of you. But as my breath left me something filled its gap. Love. All the love you and your brother and that silly angel felt for me filled me to capacity, and I finally felt worth something; for the first time in as long as I can remember. You whispered promises in my ear; promises of help and love. You promised that I wasn’t alone and that I had to always keep fighting, and you would help me, no matter how hard it got.

I’m not saying that you fixed me there and then, because you didn’t. You just made me realise I had to start fighting again. It was the hardest struggle I’ve ever had to endure, and I’m still not fully through it. I probably never will be completely free. But you are always there for me; you always make sure that I don’t lose hope. And if I do lose hope then you hope for the both of us. There are times when we scream and shout and just want to kill each other, you driven by frustration, and me driven by my pathetic anger at the whole world. But we always recover and it ends with us making up. 

You are the one who makes me keep fighting the good fight. Your family motto has always been “Saving people, hunting things, the family business”, and I always thought that only applied to the monsters out in the world that we could see and fight. But you saved me and hunted my inner demons. You stopped me from falling off the edge, something I would not have been able to do alone. And while it still isn’t all smooth sailing, I can’t thank you enough for the things you have done for me thus far. 

Winchester, you are the best thing that ever entered my life. I love you.


End file.
